Priceless Evaluations: Suspend Your Disbelief and You’ll Do Just Fine

Have you seen cards around the city that look like this?

I wasn’t sure if it was for Weed or one those “Happy Ending” massage houses on Mission street

That’s an old advertisement by the way. However, at one point these things were scattered around the San Francisco area like propaganda pamphlets dropped from the sky during WWII. I finally gave in and picked one up, after too many awkward car rides with too many weed dealers, and finally decided to get legitimized. I just needed to find out what ailed me and sell it. I figured my Asthma (which marijuana does help with incidentally) and some bullshit phantom pain I got from moving a–I don’t know–a Baby Grand Piano in my early 20’s would suffice.

I finally mustered up enough money to have the financial wherewithal to afford both a Cannabis Card AND some weed, because, fuck that shit.

So one weekend in January I went to the Priceless Evaluation office, which was located on the corner of 20th and Mission*.  Upon entering I thought I had entered a detox center and walked out to check the address again. I was indeed in the right place, and cautiously climbed the cheaply laminated stairs to the 3rd floor.

The layout of the place, while simple, looked like a converted dentist office from the 1970’s, which I immediately dug. I grabbed a coupon for a new patient discount from a  scattered pile of similar coupons and asked the person in the front of the reception area what I should do next. She handed me a clipboard with a rather thin application attached to it and pointed me towards the back waiting area.

There were a couple of other folks in the area with me. A very young, dazed brother who nervously chatted me up. An older white guy who kept mumbling to himself and slowly shaking his head as he filled out his application, getting up every so often to ask the women in the front a question.

For a minute I just stared blankly at my application, referral, whatever the hell it was. When I began to fill it out I realized the questions were easy enough. When I got to the part about my Doctor’s information I panicked. I couldn’t remember much about my doctor except he was somewhat of a dick, taking my concerns about prostate examinations lightly. So I took a chance and left that part blank. When I finally got to the part where I was to list why I needed Medical Marijuana, I took a deep breath:

  • Asthma. It’s helped me better than steroid inhalers
  • Insomnia. I can’t sleep. I find weed makes me sleepy. 

I took my application up to the reception area and was told to wait until my name was called. About 5 minutes later I was called into another office furnished with one simple wooden desk and a window littered with dirt and dead flies. The doctor behind the desk spoke to my application as he addressed me, although I was lulled by his warm Austrian accent.

“So it sez you have Asthma..ez dat right?”

“Yes Sir Mr. Doctor”

“And Insomia, yez?”

“Yes I find some good Kush helps with that”

The Doctor finally looked up, eyeing me curiously.

“Yez, yez Marijuana does assist with Insomnia. I recommend you take the Indica to help, yez?” 

I gawked at the Doctor in disbelief.

“Yeah sure Doc, whatever you recommended!”

“Take diz application and wait to be called please”  He said wryly.

I waited another 10 mins, paid a very enthusiastic man to take my picture and print my card and that was it. It’s just that simple. If I can do it, so can you.  (Well maybe you can’t, you actually do need some sort of medical condition, real or imagined).

I mean you keep procrastinating, over and over, well maybe I’ll go to Price Evaluations next week, or next month, No do it now. They’ll work with you, before work or after work; you can  do whatever you need to do to get high on Marijuana. Go talk to someone right now, they’re out to help you. You spend all day on the couch looking for legitimate ways to get weed anyhow, so why don’t you pick up the phone and make a phone call that will help you in your future. Make the call. Why are you making this complicated? It’s Easy.

*PriceLess Evaluations has moved to 2533 Mission St. San Francisco, CA 94110  

You can call them here: 415-796-2254





Petey Wheatstraw

Hi, my name is Petey Wheatstraw. I'm an avid marijuana smoker, writer, devoted father and non-profit minion-- not necessarily in that order. A Chicago native I've lived in the Bay Area since 1996. Click Here for Free Cannabis