How to Beat Your Next Drug Test

Having to drop for a weed test is a major headache. And unfortunately with all the strides being made regarding legality cannabis remains federally illegal and can easily cost you your dream job.

Therefore it’s somewhat of a no-brainer that my first suggestion on how to beat your next drug test would be to simply cease your intake of cannabis a few weeks or even a few months prior to your drug test, but, who the fuck are we kidding? What stoner do you know who has that type of willpower? Exactly.  So you might find these other suggestions a bit more, well, reasonable.

Southern California cannabis entrepreneur David Atkinson, who has advised weed-smoking musicians who hold day jobs, recommends drinking a lot of fluids to dilute any lingering THC — and not giving urine first thing in the morning when THC is most concentrated. Keep in mind that the THC in cannabis is fat soluble. What this means is that the more fat you have in your body the more THC that will be absorbed by your body. Something that I know has worked for folks is to engage in physical activity for a week or weeks prior to your test. You don’t have to go crazy and join your local dojo or anything, just take the stairs instead of the elevator– that type of thing. Or some rigorous sex. Not only are you actually being, you know, active, you’re sweating out all those pesky THC toxins. This and a dedicated water or cranberry juice (the real stuff, not that Ocean Spray shit) regimen should clear you right up.  You will still have to stop smoking for a bit, but alas, tis’ a small price to pay for not being homeless.

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Try to test yourself first before taking your actual drug test. You can buy over the counter drug tests at places such as Walgreens or CVS (or any such store that sells an assortment of random goods) for about $14 to $20. This is only possibly, obviously, if you know you have an upcoming test. If you are one of those folks employed as a commercial driver, pilot, etc.  you are likely subject to random drug testing, which you can’t reschedule. In that case, it’s your choice whether you want to take the gamble or not.

I’ve heard you can’t beat drug tests, so all the potions and lotions people buy at their local headshops are just liquid placebos. I do know, however, that I the last time I had to take one I gave zero fucks and submitted to my potential employer’s mandatory mouth swab (I was applying for a  graveyard shift at my local grocery store. Don’t ask). Instead of swishing the swab around in my mouth I gently rubbed it against my teeth and found myself miserably employed a few days later. So if you ever happen to get that as an option, give it a shot, as saliva tests typically only detect usage in the past 24 hours. Speaking of which, what do drug tests even test for?

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Drug tests look for evidence of the psychoactive ingredient in cannabis, THC, as well as the active properties of other drugs. The most common type of test — because it’s quick, simple and costs under $25 — is a urine test. Urine tests detect cannabis usage in the past 1 to 3 days in infrequent users — up to 30 days for habitual users. Typically you’ll be given a specially designed secure cup, usually with a temperature-gauging strip. After you dispatch your bladder into the cup it will be sealed with tamper-resistant tape, then sent via express delivery service to a testing laboratory. Because many types of drugs can be found in your urine, it’s really up to your employer what they wish to test for. Why do you think you can be a police officer hopped on Adderall and still walking your beat?

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By the way, if you have to submit a hair sample for your drug test, forget it. You might as well just give up weed if the job is that important. These tests can find traces of THC in your system 3 months after you’ve smoked. 

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Petey Wheatstraw

Hi, my name is Petey Wheatstraw. I'm an avid marijuana smoker, writer, devoted father and non-profit minion-- not necessarily in that order. A Chicago native I've lived in the Bay Area since 1996. Click Here for Free Cannabis